The ‘If I Fought This Rapper, Would I Win?’ Chart

lookdude
lookdude Members Posts: 16,646 ✭✭✭✭✭
edited March 2015 in The Reason
rapper-fight-chart.jpg?w=1078&h=1466

Here are the breakdowns...


J. Cole

End Fight Probability: There is a negative–100 percent chance J. Cole knocks you out.

Yes. Fight J. Cole. Fight J. Cole and win. Fight him for ruining the Jay Z–Dame Dash reunion moment. Fight him for using the phrase “Cole world.” Fight him for his face being his face.

T.I.

End Fight Probability: There is a 44 percent chance T.I. knocks you out.

He’s a tiny guy, sure (on “Stand Up” he says he weighs 145 pounds, or about one pair of Timbaland boots), but he looks like he’s made of twisted wire. Also, and this is real life: I met him once at a listening party. He has an unsettling gaze. There’s evil in him. He’ll hurt you. And he’s gonna like doing it. Don’t do it. Don’t fight T.I.

Lil Wayne

End Fight Probability: There is a negative–10 percent chance Lil Wayne knocks you out.

On the one hand, Lil Wayne is from Louisiana, which makes him instantly intimidating. But on the other hand, one time he rapped, “Eat her till she cry, call that wine and dine,” so you should be fine. Engage him in fisticuffs. It would be very neat if you said something Lil Wayne–esque when you did so (“I just drummed you to the floor, call that a beatdown,” or something).

Lil Boosie

End Fight Probability: There is a 51 percent chance Lil Boosie knocks you out.

Bro, he just got out of prison, like, 45 minutes ago. Don’t do that. Don’t fight Lil Boosie.

Puff Daddy

End Fight Probability: There is a negative–65 percent chance Puff knocks you out.

You’d likely win this fight if it managed to come off, but I’d sidestep it because let’s say you trip over Puff’s teeny-tiny teeth and fall and hit your head on the concrete and knock yourself out or whatever, he is absolutely going to celebrate by doing that Diddy Bop dance he’s done for the last 60 years. You can’t risk that. There’s no recovering from that. There’s no recovering from being the guy in the WSHH knockout Puff Daddy Diddy Bop dance video.

50 Cent

End Fight Probability: There is an 86 percent chance 50 Cent knocks you out.

He got shot 700 times in the head and didn’t die. What are you gonna do to him in a fight? Don’t do it. Don’t fight Fif.

Rick Ross

End Fight Probability: There is a negative–23 percent chance Rick Ross knocks you out.

You’re gold here. Ross is a big guy, but in this case that just means he’s slow. Fight him the same way you used to fight King Hippo* from Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! Wait till he opens his mouth to breathe, punch him in it, then sock him in his stomach over and over again until he falls down. Inertia will handle the rest.

*Why didn’t anyone ever talk about the giant bandage on King Hippo’s stomach? Referee Mario shouldn’t have let him fight like that. There’s gotta be some sort of rule against prefight open wounds in the Video Game Boxing Association, right? “Hey, what’s that gaping sore you have on your belly there, Hippo? What? Oh. Oh, you’re just gonna cover it up with your hands? OK, cool. Fight!” Referee Mario was way too cavalier about staph infections.

Wiz Khalifa

End Fight Probability: There is a 12 percent chance Wiz Khalifa knocks you out.

His knockout percentage is low, but that only accounts for his thinness. You have to remember that he’s extra tall so he’s gonna have an infuriating reach advantage. More likely than the knockout is that he peppers you with jabs until both of your eyes are swollen shut. Plus, his neck is 24 inches long, so you’re never gonna be able to hit him in the head. The only chance you’ve got is if Wiz has it in his brain that he’s a dad now. Dad brains are always like, “Man, I can’t [DANGEROUS THING]. I got kids to think about now.” But if he’s not thinking about that, you’re toast. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Wiz Khalifa.

Regular Snoop

End Fight Probability: There is a 71 percent chance Regular Snoop knocks you out.

Basically for all the same reasons listed for Wiz, but also because he’s Snoop. He’s been the most intimidating skeleton on earth for the last 20 years. Remember him in Baby Boy? He was perfect. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Regular Snoop.

Reggae Snoop

End Fight Probability: There is a negative–72 percent chance Reggae Snoop knocks you out.

Because it’s reggae,* man. You’re safe.

*The best thing that happened last week was when the Donald Sterling story started unraveling and Reggae Snoop immediately reverted back to Regular Snoop in his video response. Regular Snoop is the best.

Kanye West

End Fight Probability: There is a negative–7 percent chance Kanye West knocks you out.

If it was Digitized Kanye West from the “Black Skinhead” video, then I’d say avoid it (he’d probably club you over the head with the mega-? he gave himself), but this is real-life Kanye so you’re safe. He’ll be loud and he’ll be blustery but he’ll also be extra-sensitive about everything. “Hey, Kanye, hahaha you can’t get into fashion. Have fun at Adidas.” Boom. He starts crying. You sock him in the kidney. Fight over. Great, next album.

Busta Rhymes

End Fight Probability: There is a 46 percent chance Busta Rhymes knocks you out.

I think Busta is like 1,000 years old but whatever, because he also looks like he can bench-press a Hyundai, so stay away. I just don’t understand why anyone would ever wanna be that big, particularly if you’re an old man. Dr. Dre did the same thing. He started getting old and was like, “What can I do to look young and normal? Oh! I got it! Let me make the muscles in my neck super duper strong.” Weird, weird. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Bussa Buss. Flip Mode. Flip Mode is the greatest.

Pitbull

End Fight Probability: There is a negative–90 percent chance Pitbull will knock you out.

Fight him. Fight Pitbull. Fight Pitbull every chance you get. And whenever you knock him on the ground, you shout, “Pitbull’s going down, I’m yelling ‘timber’” and then be like, “You see? You see how stupid that is?”

The Game

End Fight Probability: There is a 79 percent chance The Game knocks you out.

This is the first paragraph of the “Early Life” section of The Game’s Wikipedia page:

“Game was born Jayceon Terrell Taylor on November 29, 1979, in Los Angeles, California. He grew up in Compton, a low-income crime-ridden city in Los Angeles County, in a primarily Crip gang neighborhood known as Santana Blocc, although he grew up to become a member of the Bloods. He was born into a life of gang-wars and hustling. In an October 2006 interview with MTV News correspondent Sway Calloway, Game described his family as “dysfunctional” and claimed that his father molested one of his sisters. When later interviewed, Game stated that at a young age, he recalled seeing both of his parents preparing to do drive-by shootings. His father was a Nutty Block Crip and his mother a Hoover Crippelette. Drugs and guns were all around Taylor when he was a youngster. His father was a heroin addict and both his parents frequently took ? . At around the age of 6, Taylor stated that a friend of his was murdered for his clothes and shoes in the neighborhood by a teenager.”

It gets worse as it goes on. Don’t do it. Don’t fight The Game.

Eminem

End Fight Probability: There is a negative–33 percent chance Eminem knocks you out.

We all saw 8 Mile. He was tough, but he wasn’t a fighter.

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Comments

  • lookdude
    lookdude Members Posts: 16,646 ✭✭✭✭✭
    i suspect the person who made this never been in a fight.
    this chart is stupid.

    its humor guys not to be taken seriously
  • Ghostdenithegawd
    Ghostdenithegawd Members Posts: 16,231 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Busta game,bronsilino only ones

    Ill may take that L to
  • Listencloser
    Listencloser Members Posts: 2,757 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Any of these rappers train some sort of submission grappling or mma? If not I'm choking them all out one on one.
  • BackInWhite
    BackInWhite Members Posts: 23,591 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Wiz be too high tho
    His motor skills and hand/eye coordination has to be slightly diminished by now
  • jono
    jono Members Posts: 30,280 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Dude my brain stem hurts. I'm dying bro
  • Nah Son
    Nah Son Guests, Members, Writer, Content Producer Posts: 9,367 ✭✭✭✭✭
    And this is another. Reason. We need a remade version. Of def jam fight. For new york let 2k make it so i face scan myself beating. The ? out of ymcmb roster all day

    Bruh whats with the ? up punctuation
  • Thereal_ba
    Thereal_ba Members Posts: 1,919 ✭✭✭✭✭
    lol @ wale and tyga's percentage
  • Trillfate
    Trillfate Members Posts: 24,008 ✭✭✭✭✭
  • TheGOAT
    TheGOAT Guests, Members, Writer, Content Producer Posts: 15,916 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Trillfate wrote: »
    pitbull-punches-fan-on-stage-o.gif

    He deserved that and more. ? idiot
  • Nah Son
    Nah Son Guests, Members, Writer, Content Producer Posts: 9,367 ✭✭✭✭✭
    How they gon place Drake, Young Thug and Soulja Boy on the tough side tho
  • 804
    804 Members Posts: 1,608 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Nah Son wrote: »
    3873517_o.gif

    LMAO is that Akon doe?
  • Ghostdenithegawd
    Ghostdenithegawd Members Posts: 16,231 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Nah Son wrote: »
    And this is another. Reason. We need a remade version. Of def jam fight. For new york let 2k make it so i face scan myself beating. The ? out of ymcmb roster all day

    Bruh whats with the ? up punctuation

    big fingers small phone
  • K_Fisher
    K_Fisher Members Posts: 2,285 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited March 2015
    Pitbull is surely on the wrong side of that chart.Boosie too if we are talking hand to hand only.

    As for Wiz khalifa..really?I've had ? bigger than him.
  • JonnyRoccIT
    JonnyRoccIT Members Posts: 14,389 ✭✭✭✭✭
    lookdude wrote: »

    Drake


    When Drake is roaring tears from his eyes, that’s when it’s time to back up.

    LOOOOOOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
  • P. Town
    P. Town Members Posts: 27,306 ✭✭✭✭✭
    I wouldn't fight Kanye West. Not cause I couldn't whoop him, but I feel like he would bring a gun to school in his backpack.
  • Co_Town_Michael
    Co_Town_Michael Members Posts: 5,551 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited March 2015
    Drake and Pitbull need to switch positions on that chart.
    Drake did get his ass whooped by Diddy anyways.

    Grantland been wack for a minute.
    I only ? w/ them during NCAA tourney time.
    I bet Rembert or Jacoby wrote this wack ? of an article.

    edit: clicked the article and they didn't write this.
    Bill Simmons needs to hire better writers.
  • Busta Carmichael
    Busta Carmichael Members, Moderators Posts: 13,161 Regulator
    Thought this was gonna be corny at first

    But I really enjoyed this. "Tuuurn off the lightsss"

    Looool