Darxwell Translates the Bible 4 Modern Times

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DarcSkies
DarcSkies Members Posts: 13,791 ✭✭✭✭✭
edited October 2011 in R & R (Religion and Race)
The Bible can be very confusing.

Between the "thou's," "shalt's" and the "for art thou's" who the ? knows what ? is trying to say?

Besides...WHAT THE ? IS A LEVITICUS?

I will translate any verse of the Bible you want in terms/word you can understand

:)
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  • earth two superman
    earth two superman Members Posts: 17,149 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited February 2011
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    Genesis 1:1 "In the Beginning, ? created the heavens and the earth"
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  • DarcSkies
    DarcSkies Members Posts: 13,791 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited February 2011
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    My bad...mods to R&R please
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  • DarcSkies
    DarcSkies Members Posts: 13,791 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited February 2011
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    earth two superman wrote: »
    Genesis 1:1 "In the Beginning, ? created the heavens and the earth"
    Translation:

    Ayo son. Look up. You looking? IIght, you see that big bright yellow thing in the sky? WHOA! Dont look directly into it ? ! Iight u see it though? OK Good.

    OK you look down, you see that? Nah man not the black stuff that tar I mean The dirt....yeah that's called Earth.

    Yeah....? did that ? . In like 6 days flat. No bullshittin.
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  • UPTOWN
    UPTOWN Members, Moderators, Writer Posts: 13,009 Regulator
    edited February 2011
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    darxwell wrote: »
    translation:

    ayo son. Look up. You looking? Iight, you see that big bright yellow thing in the sky? Whoa! Dont look directly into it ? ! Iight u see it though? Ok good.

    Ok you look down, you see that? Nah man not the black stuff that tar i mean the dirt....yeah that's called earth.

    Yeah....? did that ? long as time ago. In like 6 days flat. No bullshittin.

    dead ................. Lol
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  • earth two superman
    earth two superman Members Posts: 17,149 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited February 2011
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    lmao @ nah man not the black stuff that tar
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  • earth two superman
    earth two superman Members Posts: 17,149 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited February 2011
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    There are currently 20 users browsing this thread. (3 members and 17 guests)

    lol @ a bunch of sunday school teachers googling, finding this thread, and fainting
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  • DaFifthElement
    DaFifthElement Members Posts: 4,764 ✭✭✭
    edited February 2011
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    "The wise conquer the city of the strong and level the fortress in which they trust." - whaddup widdat?
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  • DarcSkies
    DarcSkies Members Posts: 13,791 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited February 2011
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    Deuteronomy 22:28-29 NLT

    If a man is caught in the act of ? a young woman who is not engaged, he must pay fifty pieces of silver to her father. Then he must marry the young woman because he violated her, and he will never be allowed to divorce her.

    Translation: YOU ? IT....YOU BOUGHT IT.
    DaFifthElement wrote: »
    "The wise conquer the city of the strong and level the fortress in which they trust." - whaddup widdat?
    Yo. It really dont matter how strong them ? 's fortress is. If your ass know a locksmith you can walk right the ? up in there yo.

    Brains over brawn. Beeleedat.
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  • haute
    haute Members Posts: 11,581 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited February 2011
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    And David said on that day, Whosoever getteth up to the gutter, and smiteth the Jebusites, and the lame and the blind, that are hated of David’s soul, he shall be chief and captain. (2 Samuel 5:6.)
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  • DarcSkies
    DarcSkies Members Posts: 13,791 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited February 2011
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    haute wrote: »
    And David said on that day, Whosoever getteth up to the gutter, and smiteth the Jebusites, and the lame and the blind, that are hated of David’s soul, he shall be chief and captain. (2 Samuel 5:6.)


    ? that, I'm sick of these Canaanite ? word up! We Jews ? we go hard in the paint somebody gotta step the ? up!

    I dont give a ? if they ? & blind homie first ? mash on them ? gettin a promotion. That's on my Father who art in heaven. Halo tipped be thy name.
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  • DarcSkies
    DarcSkies Members Posts: 13,791 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited February 2011
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    Tommy bilfiger wrote: »
    The bible is nothin but a 37,000 paged book wit aesop fables and lies written by white people
    What verse and scripture is that sir?
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  • fiat_money
    fiat_money Members Posts: 16,654 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited February 2011
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    "If a man's testicles are crushed or his ? is cut off, he may not be admitted to the assembly of the LORD." - Deuteronomy 23:1
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  • DarcSkies
    DarcSkies Members Posts: 13,791 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited February 2011
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    fiat_money wrote: »
    "If a man's testicles are crushed or his ? is cut off, he may not be admitted to the assembly of the LORD." - Deuteronomy 23:1
    Translation: If you aint slanging...u aint prayin. You must have *this much* ? to join the prayer circle. Word to Jon Bobbit.
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  • earth two superman
    earth two superman Members Posts: 17,149 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited February 2011
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    Proverbs 27:15-16 (New Living Translation)
    A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day. Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind or trying to hold something with greased hands.
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  • earth two superman
    earth two superman Members Posts: 17,149 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited February 2011
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    Ezekiel 23:19-20
    Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. There she lusted after her lovers, whose ? were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

    nh ezekiel must be talking about the great grandma of some IC females
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  • FieldTripsToTheHood
    FieldTripsToTheHood Members Posts: 6,054 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited February 2011
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    Darxwell wrote: »
    Translation:

    Ayo son. Look up. You looking? IIght, you see that big bright yellow thing in the sky? WHOA! Dont look directly into it ? ! Iight u see it though? OK Good.

    OK you look down, you see that? Nah man not the black stuff that tar I mean The dirt....yeah that's called Earth.

    Yeah....? did that ? . In like 6 days flat. No bullshittin.

    LMAO....you forgot " Day 7 this mf'er was lampin'!
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  • DaFifthElement
    DaFifthElement Members Posts: 4,764 ✭✭✭
    edited February 2011
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    If this thread dont do numbers we goin to hell.
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  • haute
    haute Members Posts: 11,581 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited February 2011
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    Wherefore hast thou despised the commandment of the LORD, to do evil in his sight? thou hast killed Uriah the Hittite with the sword, and hast taken his wife to be thy wife, and hast slain him with the sword of the children of Ammon. Now therefore the sword shall never depart from thine house; because thou hast despised me, and hast taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be thy wife. (2 Samuel 12:9-10)
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  • DarcSkies
    DarcSkies Members Posts: 13,791 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited February 2011
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    earth two superman wrote: »
    Proverbs 27:15-16 (New Living Translation)
    A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day. Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind or trying to hold something with greased hands.
    Translation: That ? aint gone ever ? mayne. Thats just hoe these hoes are.
    earth two superman wrote: »
    Ezekiel 23:19-20
    Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. There she lusted after her lovers, whose ? were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

    nh ezekiel must be talking about the great grandma of some IC females
    Translation: So this hoe had more ? inside her than a ? at Dallas Cowboy stadium and stayed chasin' black dudes.
    Tommy bilfiger wrote: »
    And I will ? her children with death; and all the churches shall know that I am he which searcheth the reins and hearts: and I will give unto every one of you according to your works.
    Translation:

    Yo. Imma return to Earth one day and amma let u know it's me with a few signs. First amma ? off like a couple hundred thousand ? . And amma give & take from yall ? according to how u behave before I come back. Thats how u gone know it's me. So there's no confusion.

    Cuz ? stay saying they me but they dont be me. Ya heard?
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  • DarcSkies
    DarcSkies Members Posts: 13,791 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited February 2011
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    haute wrote: »
    Wherefore hast thou despised the commandment of the LORD, to do evil in his sight? thou hast killed Uriah the Hittite with the sword, and hast taken his wife to be thy wife, and hast slain him with the sword of the children of Ammon. Now therefore the sword shall never depart from thine house; because thou hast despised me, and hast taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be thy wife. (2 Samuel 12:9-10)
    Translation:

    Whoa, Whoa, Whoa...Come on son. How you gone ? that ? and take his wife doe? And you killed the ? wit his ownn shank? That ? aint in the least bit Godly. U gone have to keep that sword on your coffee table as a constant reminder you aint ? .

    But u may as well keep ol' girl doe.
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  • haute
    haute Members Posts: 11,581 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited February 2011
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    lmaoooo

    darc you aint ?
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  • Mdizzle9000
    Mdizzle9000 Members, Writer Posts: 8,319 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited February 2011
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    yo whats that part in the bible when them 2 hoes from ? trynna smash they own daddy?
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  • fiat_money
    fiat_money Members Posts: 16,654 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited February 2011
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    "And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them" - 2 Kings 2:23-24
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  • DaFifthElement
    DaFifthElement Members Posts: 4,764 ✭✭✭
    edited February 2011
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    Conflict210 wrote: »
    going to hell thread

    u should check out www.lolcatbible.com
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  • DarcSkies
    DarcSkies Members Posts: 13,791 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited February 2011
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    haute wrote: »
    lmaoooo

    darc you aint ?
    =(

    But I tryz 2 be shitz
    mdizzle9000 wrote: »
    yo whats that part in the bible when them 2 hoes from ? trynna smash they own daddy?
    the ? ? LOL
    fiat_money wrote: »
    "And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them" - 2 Kings 2:23-24
    Translation: An old head was minding his own damn business just walking to Bethel and some lil bad ass kids start clowning him about his hair loss and ? . So dude was like, "? yall ? in the Name of Jesus."

    Then some bears came out of nowhere and ate them.
    Conflict210 wrote: »
    going to hell thread
    lol
    DaFifthElement wrote: »
    u should check out www.lolcatbible.com
    lol I stopped reading cuz its one of those things where if u get caught up u stay caught up.
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